feeling like the end is near

i feel so depressed some times i just feel like what am i holding on to? what am i fighting for? why am i still here with you. sometimes i wish you were another man. the man that brings me flowers, the man that comes home excited to see me. instead a i got a man who fits everyone into his day but me. as i type i cant help but to cry my heart is so broken!!! no longer do i see a future with you. all i see is me hurting and crying. i know i deserve so much better i want better i want a man who has joy in his eyes after he see's me after a long day of work. i want a man who is excited to come home just to see lil ole me. i want a man who puts me first. i want a man who thinks of my feelings before making a decision. i want someone whose gonna make me happy. im so tired of crying im tired of feeling like everyone comes before me. how can someone make time to make plans for friends but cant make plans to take his wife out. im not happy ive complained ive been a bitch ive tried everything to make him realize. how is it all i think about is being with him but his intentions are the total opposite? i think its that time ive given my all and God knows i love this man with all thats in me but i cant stay and not feel my feeling are returned. how do you end something that youve wanted your whole life. how do u leave someone who means the world to you? how can you love someone with all your heart but know that its not gonna work. how do you leave? sad part is as much pain and hurt that i feel can't leave him i love him too much. i cant see living without him i wanna spend the rest of my life with him but at some point i have to realize what i want sometimes isnt what i need n as much as i love him i dont feel it back i dont feel loved. do i stay and hope things change? dont i derserve to be happy dont i deserve to be loved. my biggest fear is that i stay and end up hating him cause i know he;s not gonna change he's not at the point where im the most important person in his life. its just the infertility makes me feel its not happening for a reason that God is trying to tell me this man is for a season not a lifetime. but why let me fall in love why let me wanna have this mans baby if he's not the one for me why let me love this man for 9 years for nothing? i cant keep hiding unhappiness i cant keep arguring over the same thing over and over again. my marriage needs so much repair im getting to the point where i just wanna quit it all i can be lonely by myself whats the point of being married if u still feel lonely isnt ur mate suppossed to complete you, God i pray for guidance please tell me what to do im so lost and i dont know how to fix it. i dnt know how to fix my marriage i need help please God let me know if this is meant to be show me a sign that this is just a speed bump and happier days are ahead i need some kind of hope i cant do this on my own, my mind is telling me leave i deserve someone who loves me above all but my heart is lost in him. i just feel like ive given and dealt with too much to walk away now or were all those things warnings of the future. were you trying to tell me to get out? its so hard to listen when youre in love its hard to let go when you want something so bad i jut need a lil help if its worth saving help my marriage if not let me know now i cant keep giving him my all if he;s not willing to give his all in return

getting the run around

ok so its been about a month since i saw my PCM for a referall to the re. and no one can tell me if has been approved or not. not like it isnt hard enough not being able to concieve on my own i have to get the run around when it comes to getting the care. arrrgggg i just want our lil baby is that too much to ask? God please i need you right now i need a miracle i need a blessing still hoping and praying i know it will happen on your time just give me the strength and patience to wait and know you have great plans for me!!!!

Rough Day

oh boy today was rough for me. i just felt really depressed. me and hubby aren't talking and its over something so stupid. i wanted to drive the other day and he said no so i got upset we barely said 2 words since yesterday. then every time i ask him to invite his mom over its always maybe or I'll ask and she never comes and that's REALLY starting to irritate the hell out of me!!! I'm to the point where if she cant come to where we live I'm not going to her house anymore not like I'm invited anyway he always goes and never ask me if i want to go. I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
went to the gym to get ready for my Miami trip and to try and clear my head and still ended up crying in the car on the way home.
just feels like i give so much of myself to people and i don't get any support in return. everyone runs to me for answers to there problems who the hell can i run to???i guess this blog maybe ill read it and help myself for a change.
hubby's just really annoying me right now show me something, if you see I'm upset give me a fucking hug damn is that too much to ask. we've known each other for 8 years he knows when something is bothering me. if I'm looking sad or not talking kiss me, hug me, something try to make it better. its easy to leave me alone and hope i get over it why not try and help me work through it show me some love.
I'm just so tired of the cold shoulder wheres that care a husband should show towards his wife. i don't think he's touched me in 2 days ok so he thinks I'm mad so we're just gonna act like strangers the whole day then sleep in the same bed and still have no contact that's ridiculous!!!
oh pray for me i hope tomorrow brings a better happier Tina Marie
just needed to get all that off my chest i guess now i can sleep.

My Re Appt.

so i had my first re appt. with our new doctor. i must say i love them!!! they were so hopeful and positive. they did alot of stuff that my first re didnt do. got a medical history on us both, blood pressure test for both, blood test for me and ultrasound to confirm pco and fibroid. i was all scheduled for my hsg(i know not fun, but whatever it takes) then i get a call telling me that tricare requires a referral so i had to make an appt with my pcm and they couldnt get me in until sept. 10 disappointed at the moment but just a little road block on the way to parenthood.

on another sad yet hopeful note. last month i began feeling early signs of pregnancy about 2 weeks before af was supposed to start i began cramping also nausea, tiredness and frequent trips to the bathroom. i wait, and wait. one day late i take a htp BFN im so confused next day still no af i go to planned parenthood for a blood test but when i got there they told me i needed an appt. so instead i take a urine test. faint positive are the results i got. i saw the line however faint it was it was def. there. so nurse tells me to schedule a blood test with my obgyn. feeling great and hopeful then 2 days after i start bleeding and a day after that af was full force. confused as of what may have happened called a nurse hotline and she told me it may have been a chemical pregnancy. i was sad then i thought i actually got pregnant on my own no drugs or anything just the old fashioned way just sad that it didnt end with us having a baby but our time will come soon enough. and although it made me sad it give me hope just knowing i can actually get pregnant!!!

im excited about starting treatment again now its the waiting game sept 10 lets go im ready to be a mommie!!!

gyno update

well i had my annual pap today she did all the usually stuff but she also asked why i didnt have kids n i wanted to cry then i wanted to lie n say i just dont want any she asked in such a weird voice like uve been married 4 years and no babies?!?!?!?! so i gave her the spew about the infertility. and she acually put me on metamfin(spelling?) she said it helps with women with pco so she said i can take that till nick gets home then she'll start us on clomid again she said youre gonna have a baby n i wanted to hug her n make her the godmother lol so im gonna start it end of the week n hope for the best when nick gets home im keeping my fingers crossed and praying real hard!!!! ill keep ya posted

GUESS WHOSE BACK!!!

hey ya its me n im back. boy has a lot been going on these past few months to start off with while hubby was deployed i found about so crazy stuff so we've been seperated this whole time. today we finally forgave one another its over and in the past and we are moving foward with our lives its a good feeling actually to have everything worked out. so he comes home early june which officially marks the start of ttc again!!!after all was said n done he said i wanna have a baby with you this is gonna happen!!! and i actually believe him.
so i found a new gyno i wasnt happy with my old one and i also found a new re. im starting the process as far as annual pap on tuesday april 28th then off to get all my work up done day 3 test etc. i'll prolly need another hsg im not happy about that but im willing to do anything. if my tube is still closed im gonna have them open it i wud rather work with both tubes working not just 1. im excitied i responded well to clomid 50 last year had atleast 3 mature eggs on each ovary so i know it can happen again i only tried clomid for 2 months cause nick was getting deployed im excited not to have a time limit not tht i want to try forever but now with him being home for good we can really focus on making this dream come true!!! ok ladies im so glad to be back ive waited so long for this ill keep u posted about apt on tuesday!!!