im offically crazy!!!

ok so i figure i can now declare myself insane!!! you know how you want something so bad you actually trick yourself into thinking its possible? thats what ive just done, past few days ive been feeling so weird. ive had constant butterfly feeling in my stomach and ive just been all outta wack. so im asking around at work, "has anyone every had butterflies in their stomach constantly?" one girl says, "yeah when she was pregnant" now i know there is no way possible for that to be true in case but i found myself wondering wow could that mean im pregnant hahahaha hilarious i know and i didnt stop there my friend was saying when she was pregnant she could feel an extra heartbeat in her neck and of course my crazy ass tried to see if i could feel one hahahaha hilarious i know but here's the kicker hubby has been gone since august i know ive been faithful and ive had af every month since he's been gone theres no way im 3 months along and didnt notice that so here's my explanation its an immaculate conception im laughing so hard just writing this but it seriouslt entered my mind. i told hubby and of course he said i was crazy and i know im not but it was weird how i actually could even think immaculate conception for real!!! cant wait til hubby gets home then at least my craziness will be justified hahaha

dreams

i love when i dream!!! last night i had the best dream, i was pregnant i didnt need any meds it just happened. in the dream its a very short pregnancy then skips to birth and im in the hospital asking for drugs and they never come i remember pushing and the baby coming out then it skips to me being at home with my beautiful baby girl. oh i swear her features i could see so clearly it was so real and she was my gorgeous angel!!! she never cried just smiled and wanted to be held by her mommie oh that dream felt so real i hated to wake up i just wanted to dream that dream forever!!! now if only that could happen in reality!!! i hope i remember how she looked i want to see if she'll look like that when she's born b/c i know its gonna happen just a question of when. funny thing is she had a name and i was saying it but when i woke up i forgot it and in real life i have no idea what i would name a girl hahaha thank God for dreams little medicines for life's pains!!!

sober thoughts make me drink

wow i havent been on here in months actually i really haven't had anything to blog about until now. just when i thought i was becoming ok with not ttc til june 09 my emotions go wacky on me. that being said it could have something to do with me always drinking, when i drink im fine there is no talk or thought of babies or my husband being gone, im in my own lil lala land and it feels great it supress' my feelings and at the time thats what i need.
now speaking soberly i am so depressed i have just opened by email and im flooded with baby coupons and emails saying saying what to expect in your 30th week of pregnancy. oh why didnt i cancel that when i found out i wasnt pregnant now im sitting here crying my eyes out.
then i got 2 emails from both my friends pictures of their baby showers i look so miserable i thought i was putting on a good front but i can just see the sorrow in my face. then they're sending me pictures of clothes they've started to buy arrrrgggg. just reminds me of a dream i once had of being a mommy.
oh i just wish these 6 months would fly by and hubby would be home and we could start trying again. yesterday i was at my friends house and his lil nephew was there he's 14 months and the cutest baby. he was so active and smiling at me i let him play with my straw from my mcdonalds and he when i took it away he started to cry and i just picked him up and he stopped i swear i wanted to cry. what if i never get a chance to do that with my on child will the day ever come?
im sitting here and all at once im remembering how badly i want a baby and there's nothing i can do about it, its driving me insane, its drivin me to drink!!!
why didnt it work when we had the chance? who says it will work when hubby gets home? how long will we wait? so many questions and not enough answers so that being said salud im having a drink

Congrats to my cuz

ok my jealously has surpassed enough to be overjoyed that my cousin had a healthy baby girl Ta'Lanne Williams. she is the cutest and fastest baby i've ever seen. i'm truly happy for her!!! miracles do happen i'm just waiting on mine!!!
it was amazing i heard she was pregnant and jealousy filled me. i know thats sad but it did. but as i looked at her new baby's pictures i felt nothing but love and happiness i guess babies will do that to you. and i know and believe one day it will be me posting pictures everywhere i can of my little special miracle. i've got to believe that its gonna happen for me. i've got to believe i'll be a mommie its just gotta happen i can't even imagine it not happening that's just to depressing of a thought!!!

me so lonely

damn this deployment sucks!!! i just keep thinking what the hell am i gonna do for 9 months but go crazy!!! i'm so lonely and i know he feels the same way. he called me yesterday from there and i just couldn't believe he was that far away from me. i just want my hubby home safe!!! arrrrgggggggggggg has 9 months passed already?

psychics??????????????

i know that you're not suppossed believe in them and that they are against God. but Lately i've been wondering if i called a psychic would they tell me when i would have a baby? i know this sound extrememly crazy but sometimes my mind just wanders in crazy directions. i know this is probably stress and a bit of depression talking. just needed to get it outta my mind and written down somewhere. i'll be fighting with myself to try and not to go see one. anyone feel free to slap some sense into me!!! or just pray for me and my sanity!!!

its been a while but i'm back

hi ladies oh do i miss blogging I've got some catching up to do. things have been so crazy i am now just getting life back on schedule. lets see updates on me hubby came home on Aug. 12 for 3 days and we had a blast!!! we tried to everything we could in 3 days but we ended up spending most of the time in bed lol. he left back to N.C. that Friday the 15Th. well the following Tuesday i ended up driving 15 hrs to N.C. to see him b4 he flew off to afganny. once again most of our time was spent in the hotel room lol!!! I'm hoping somehow a miracle happens and i get pregnant naturally (there were no drugs this cycle) this is my last shot til June 09. but we had fun and I'm gonna miss my baby like crazy. yesterday he flew out to afganny he said it would take about 3 days including some stops in Kansas and Ireland. please pray for his safe return!!!

then at work my schedule changed i now work 7pm-5am I'm still not used to working that late and all i do is sleep and get ready for work. so hopefully I'll get used to it soon because i miss writing. i think that's why I've been so bitchy lately on top of hubby leaving i can't express my feelings. this writing is really therapeutic!!! well that's the update on me now on the catching up on all of u guys news

God is Good in the mist of Chaos

OK so I've been offline for about 3 days now. a tornado category e-5 hit my city of Griffith, Indiana. i got the call from my brother at about 9pm i was at work and had no service, i finally checked my voicemail at 2am and hear "the apartment is fucked up i can't get in" i left work early and rushed home scared of what i may have found. the streets were pitch black and i was so scared praying the whole time. i drive up and all you see is blackness and trees fallen everywhere. my neighbor drove up at the same time so we went in the back way together, my front door was blocked by up rooted trees.

using my phone as a source of light i open my door expecting to find chaos. i open the door and nothing was touched on the inside. THANK GOD!!! i know i was so blessed!!! i leave to go stay with my mom. i come back the next day and outside looks like something out of a movie. trees up rooted, glass and roofing shingles everywhere.

traffic was bumper to bumper so i decided to walk to where the tornado hit the hardest. i cried like a baby. to see all these home without roofs i just started praying for all those families. houses were split in half, roofs were gone, sides of peoples houses were blown off, cars were smashed by trees and 100's of dead birds everywhere. except for one God has a way of giving a sign of hope. that one bird just sat on the ground and couldn't fly everyone was taking pictures including me. they will be posted later. one house had the whole roof, front and side blown off and the only thing intact was the wall with selves that held bibles.

we lost electricity for about 3 days but the damage around my house is nothing compared to what others have!!! just want to send all the prayers we have to all those families who have lost their homes!!! Thank You God for putting the blood of Jesus over my home and keeping it safe and barely damaged!!! Thank You God.

Its crazy since this happened i haven't thought once about IF. I've just been thinking how i can help all these people who need so much assistance!!!

endometriosis?

just what i need, something else wrong with my womb. like a blocked tube and pco isn't bad enough. AF has been really cruel to me this go around. so painful i stayed in bed for 2 days because it hurt to move. and to make it worse i was so heavy i was going through tampons like every 30 mins. i had a box of 40 super plus that are almost gone now!!! today was the first day i could actually get out of the house. i was telling my mom and she said it sounds like endo. arrrggg. so tomorrow i'm gonna call RE and see he i can schedule a Lap to see whats going on in there. just really praying that's not what it is. i know God won't give us more that we can bear but i'm feeling like im at max capacity!!!

messed up links

i really didn't know how to do it so i think i got it now here are the correct links(i think)

Lisa- The sweet woman who nominated me

America- My nominee

Nancy-My nominee
hope this works lol

The Rose Award

I think this was such a Great and Sweet idea!!! Lisa nominated me and I just cried at the fact that she thought that much of me!!! Sometimes you can feel so alone, then someone lets you know that you're not, and that people are really praying and pulling for you. I really apreciate this Lisa!!!

OK here are the rules...
On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "pink is my favorite color". There's a story of Pink Rose Award and other graphic to choose from.
Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chose them.
Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

and the nominations are...

Nancy- She is one of the most realest people i know on the web. I read her blogs and she makes me laugh with her humor and sarcasm!!! She may not know it but i look at her situation and she brings me so much hope. She has over come so much and i just wish her the best with everything!!!

Franchesska- She is another person who always takes time to see how i'm doing. I want her to know i appreicate her always making me feel like someone is thinking of me. and i wish her the best with her upcoming surgery!!! She's from the ITSG board on WebMd.

America- My best friend who i know always has my back!!! Want you to know i always got your back too. She is a sister to me and i know we may not talk that much anymore but i love you!!! and i'll always be there whenever you need me!!! Good luck with making baby number 2!!!

my sweet husband i love him

i swear he is the sweetest man alive. we talked last night and he was so concerned about how i was and making sure i wans't to down because of the BFN. he really cheered me up just listening to him comfort me. i love that man so much!!!

then he said why don't i just give another sample when i get home? just the fact that he was even thinking about that made me smile. and i would if he had more than 4 days with me. he'd have to go to doc as soon as he got home and i really don't wanna spend our last 4 day together for a year going to the doc that's almost a hour away for just one more try. if he had more time i'd def. do it.

i figure when he gets home in june we'll probably wait a month or two for him to get readjusted to civilian life. then go at it full force!!! nothings gonna stop us!!! so i'm still holding onto hope, and i know that God has a plan for us and everything will happen in time and according to his plan. i know one day we will be parents no matter what road we have to take to get there!!!

crying my heart out!!!

so i poas today and got a BPN!!! ARRRGGGG!!! and soon after af came down. its still spotting but its def. af!!! i think i'm just gonna cancel beta it really makes no sense to go in and get another BFN don't think i could handle that right now!!! i'm so upset and sad. i cried all day then called hubby and told him the news. it just hurts so bad i tried so hard to be positive and it got me no where!!! now we have to wait a whole year ok technically its only 10 months but still a long time!!! i can't imagine waiting that long!!! it feels like its gonna be forever!!!

i just can't believe it was negative!!! i really thought i was pregnant, i'm just so tired now. i feel so drained and all hope is gone. i'm gonna have to do some serious praying i really need strength i feel so weak. pray for me ya'll!!!

so i guess i'll start trying to lose the 50lbs i wanna lose. i'll just focus on that and hopefully hubby will be home in no time and come home to a much healthier wife!!!

also i think i may go on bc to help with the cysts i have on my ovaries. other than that i'm tab for a year.

and to make it worse i gotta worry about hubby being in afganny!!! he leaves n. carolina at the end of august to go there. he's been to iraq before so hopefully afganny won't be as bad!!! i miss him so much!!!

maybe its better we wait til he gets home anyway. that way he can make those midnight trips for icecream lol

i know this blog is all over the place but my mind is going in a million different directions!!!

i want a baby, here's a poem

just a poem that made me smile today... author UNKNOWN

A Child To Love
You can have your wealth and riches.
All the things so many seek;
position, power, and success,
the fame you long to keep.
You can earn as much as you wish,
reach a status high above
But none of these can equal
having one sweet child to love
'Tis the greatest gift form heaven,
little arms that hold you tight,
And a kiss so soft and gentle
when you tuck them in at night.
A million precious questions and
each story often read,
Two eyes so bright and smiling,
and a darling tousled head.
God has never matched the goodness
of a trusting little face,
Or a heart so full of laughter
spreading sunshine every place.
A child to hold and cuddle,
'tis a gift from God above,
And the world is so much brighter
when you have a child to love

marie parton!!!lol

so i'm on cd 24 and did iui on 7/12 so i'm 12dpiui and my boobs are so sore and i swear i look like dolly parton!!! i swear i look like a have two big melons in my tshirt lol!!! really hoping this is a sign of a BFP!!! my boobs don't really get that big with af just soreness. so hopefully this is a good sign!!! Praying for a BFP on 7/29!!!MY MIRACLE IS IN PROGRESS!!!

ANOTHER COUPLE OF VENTS!!!

why must everytime i got into a public washroom it has to be nasty. i know its public but seriously they should be called pigstye washrooms!!! why is it that women have to pee all over the seat i'm mean that's why they have the seat liners, use them for goodness sake!!! and peeing on the floor come on we're all grown do you pee on the floor at home? and please ladies when u have af please flush the toliet. please don't leave that for the next person to see that's just disgusting!!! and please don't try and flush pads THEY DON'T FLUSH ok!!!

i'm so tired of people asking me am i pregnant yet? no dummy if i was i think u'd be able to tell, since if i am this cycle i won't be telling til after first trimester. jeeze i just wanna say leave me the fuck alone!!!stop hounding me. and please no more advice on conceiving. i've tried them all and the little tricks that have worked for you, you stupid fertile person, don't work for me!!! "eat your wheaties", if i have to hear that one more time i'm gonna scream!!!!

and if i hear one more women say they didn't breastfeed because there breast would sag i'm gonna slap em!!! are u serious? are you really that vain? does your beauty really come before your childs health? u really shouldn't tell people that it really makes you look like an ass!!!

and i'm really tired of seeing these fertile women who smoke while pregnant. do you realize what a special miracle is inside of you? why would you put toxins into your body to be passed to your baby? depriving it of the precious oxygen it needs to grow and survive!!! please STOP!!! your baby deserves clean air do what you want to your own body but don't make an innocent baby suffer because of your habit!!!

ok i'm done i just feel really bithcy right now think i'm gonna sleep now that i have all the off my chest!!!

sometimes u just gotta shake your head!!!VENTING!!!

i work at a casino and we happen to be finishing building a 500+million new casino. well upon completion a ramp collasped and fell into the water. there were workers working on the ramp and many jumped in the water for fear of being crushed and some jumped in to save people.

well as the casino put out a statement they say there were minor injuries one man was sent to the hospital with shoulder pains and many others had cuts and bruises. at the end of all this they end with saying, but the boat is still schedualed to open. WHAT THE FUCK!!! people could have been seriously hurt or killed and all they can think about is not forgeting to say that it will open. it justs make me so sick!!! the world can really be a greedy place and it seems all they think about his sitting on their rich ass' and getting richer!!! who cares who gets hurt in the process!!! is this really what the world has come to? i'm really shaking my head in disgust!!!!

then they sit and tell us a way the casino can make an extra 3-4 million a year. and i'm thinking why tell us that? we won't see even a third of that money. is that really supposed to motivate us? if anything it pisses me off even more!!! i'm just making money for a company who can't even get me some insurance who can cover IVF if i ever needed it!!! i'm just so pissed!!! ARRRGGGG!!!

cramping

oh boy it feels like af but i know its to early for that. i'm cd 20 and 8dpiui. i'm in so much pain. and my lower back is sore to the touch. is this normal? i really hope so!!! i didn't have cramps this bad last cycle or this early. please God let this be implantation cramping. please God protect my baby!!! i believe its happening right now!!! so if it is implantation cramping go ahead lil baby and implant as deep as you can. get nice and snug!!! MY MIRACLE IS IN PROGRESS!!!

The Waiting Game!!!

Boy does this waiting suck!!! well 1w down 1w to go!!! i can do it i can make it right? so i'm having some light cramps today. implantation? i hope so.

i had a dream last night that i was swimming and i could actually breath underwater. so i looked it up on the internet and it says some women in there first trimester have dreams of water and swimming. i know i'm reaching but i'll take anything to keep my hopes up!!! i'm praying for a miracle. i just keep thinking how i will feel if its positive? omg i don't know what i'd do. oh what if its negative? i'd probably cry and be very sad since i wouldn't be able to try again til june 2009 when hubby gets back from afganistan. wow that's such a long time i'm tearing up just thinking about it!!! ok skip that i'm gonna stay positive!!! this is my time!!! and its gonna be positive!!!my miracle is in progress!!!

Back to work!!!

all right its time, back to work for me!!! its been fun, i've been off for 2 weeks and i needed every bit of it. but its time to make the donuts lol my vacation ended up working out great becasue i was able to get my iui and not worry about going to work afterwards. so excited about the 29th(my beta). of course i'll probably test before then i just really hope its a BFP!!! i've prayed and prayed now all i can do is thank God for what he's about to do!!! Thank You Jesus for our baby!!! sending myself BFP vibes, sticky vibes and doubling vibes!!! ok so on to work, hopefully people will have forgotten i told them i was trying and i wont have to hear "are you pregnant yet?" i hate that question mainly because when i do get ku i won't be telling anyone at work til the end of my 1st trimester. but its my own fault for opening my big mouth lol Thank You God for my Mircale in Progress!!!

iui

iui went smoothly. better than i thought it would be. i didn't feel anything but the speculum. that was so easy!!! the nurse had me lean on my right side for 10 mins. we were trying to make the sprem go to the right tube. lol and right after i began to have o pains woohoo perfect timing i'm praying everything continues to work out good. i go for my beta on 7/29 so now i'm in the 2ww. its gonna be hard to wait that long but i just know its gonna be positive!!! i'm praying it is!!! also being silly me when i got home i took a dollar store hpt to make sure i did my shot right, cause it hurt so bad and as soon as i pulled out needle i was bleeding bad, and there it was another line so that made me feel good that i didn't mess up the hcg shot. well i'm on my way to my BFP!!! i believe that God is gonna answer all my prayers and this is gonna happen. nick's already like tell the twins i love them. my hubby is so sweet!!! i hated he couldn't be hear damn army!!! on to 2ww and watching for symptoms!!! MY MIRACLE IS IN PROGRESS!!!

ouch

dammit i just hurt myself giving myself the trigger i think i pushed it in to far. i started bleeding when i took it out plus it hurt really bad afterwards ouch!!! hopefully that was pain of success!!! My miracle in progress!!!

woohooo

ok so i just got back from dr. appt. i'm on cd 11 and already i had 2 mature eggs on my right ovary yeah!!! 21x21 and 20x17. my left ovary had 18x21 and 12x12. i know God is working already. Thank You God for putting my mature follies on my right side. Thank You Jesus!!! so i give myself the trigger tonight and i go for my iui @ 8am tomorrow morning. i'm so excited!!!God is good and its gonna happen this cycle i can feel it. Its in God's hands and he's working it out for me right now as i type. My miracle is in progress!!!

just wondering

what would it feel like to actually get a BFP? wow i can't even imagine how I'd handle that. being me I'd probably test a million times to make sure they all said BFP!!! what would it feel like to carry a baby inside of me? sometimes I'll go into crazy Tina mode and I'll rub my stomach like there's something in there. wow imagine if there was? i would just be besides myself. what would it feel like to actually give birth? wouldn't that be amazing, giving birth to a little life that's made from love. i swear i would love that baby so much!!! oh to hold your baby in your arms after all that we've been through, that would just be a miracle!!!

praying that soon i will feel, what i can only imagine about right now, everything that goes along with becoming pregnant, carrying a child, and holding them in your arms after it all. if all this up and down craziness with infertility drugs gives me that kind of happy ending it will be well worth the pain and the expense!!! God Thank You for my miracle in advance!!! God work with these meds and bless me with a child!!!

jon and kate plus eight

i swear i envy them. i know ppl look and dread having that many children at once but i think they make such a cute and fun family. i would love to have that many children but at the rate i'm going i'd settle for just 1. who am i kidding when i have 1 i know i'm gonna want more. i just think its so cool to have such a big family like that. if i could afford it i swear i would. maybe not all six at once but eventually work myself up to it. and i was reading the amazing part is she did iui not ivf. if it can happen for her it can happen for me! didn't say if she was on injectables but pretty sure that wasn't just clomid. or maybe it was idk. can't wait to have my show "tina and nick plus six" tried to make it rhyme. lol

different

so this cycle is alot different than last cycle. last cycle i had cramps within 2 days of taking the clomid and i mean bad cramps that lasted the rest of my cycle. this cycle i had mild cramps after first pill and nothing since. kinda relieved that i'm not in pain. but i would like to be feeling something. last cycle i had 4 mature follicles. i would love to have the same this cycle on my right side of course. i keep reminding myself i turned it over to Jesus, he'll work it out. one more day of clomid then i have my first u/s on friday. can't wait to see how many there are. after that they usually schedual me 2 days later for another u/s then trigger. i can't wait i'm so excited about this cycle. its gonna happen i believe it. MIRACLE IN PROGRESS!!!

clomid and so much hope!!!

ok so tonite was my first pill of my second round of clomid!!! woohoo grow follies grow. just to be clear grow on the right side not the left!!!(if u didn't know left tube is blocked) i'm so excited about this cycle i really believe our miracle is gonna happen this cycle. i know its gonna happen i believe in it, i trust God so know i'm thanking him in advance for our lil miracle!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

clomid, clomid, just took my 1st pill 3 hrs ago and i'm already cramping. i had cramps really bad last cycle so i'm prepared because i know at the end of all this i'll have to endure alot more pain than this and i welcome it. i'm excited about morning sickness,i know i'm crazy. i'm excited about getting bigger and watching our lil miracle grow inside me. i excited to give birth. i just feel so good about this cycle. clomid worked very well last cycle, 4 mature follies they were just on the wrong ovary lol but this cycle is the one. i can feel it. i just sit and smile because i'm not worried at all this is meant to be and this is God's will. Jesus take the wheel!!!!! me and nick are gonna have our BFP soon i believe in it, and shall come to pass!!! THANK YOU JESUS FOR OUR BABY!!!

i miss my husband

so here's my story, my hubby is in the army and last tuesday he left for a 1 year deployment. he's in training for two months then he gets a 4 day leave then off he goes over seas. today i just broke down while i was driving home. just really hit me that my baby is gonna be gone for a whole year. i miss him so much already and its only been a week. what am i gonna do for a whole year? that man is my rock, i don't know what i'm gonna do without him. we've got this last cycle to get pregnant, we froze his sperm, if not we'll have to wait til next june when he gets home. damn a whole year he'll be 30 the next time i see him God i hope this year flies by i miss him so much already what's it gonna be like in a couple of months i think i'll be crazy!!!

round two begans

today was a good day haven't been thinking about bfn too much excpt when someone asks me at work and i gotta say, "no not this time" began spotting this evenning i'm happy this starts the beginning of my next BFP cycle. yes i prayed and i believe its gonna happen and its gonna happen this cycle i know it. i trust God and believe, he is a miracle worker and a prayer answerer. i'm just so excited i feel like everything is gonna work out according to his plan. I BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ever just feel like it never gonna happen/praying

so this morning i received the bad news my beta was a BFN. sad thing is i expected it. i've been trying so long i just don't see it ever happening. its like no matter what i do it will all be invain.

just sat today and wondered is God trying to tell me something? iam i not meant to be a mother, am i not good enough. i've been praying for almost 2 years and its just like are you listening? can u hear me? will my prayer ever get answered? all i want is to raise a family with my husband is that too much to ask. i just want a baby. why hasn't it happened?
pcos, blocked left tube why did this happen to me. none of the women in my family have these problems. why me?

my mom keeps telling me to stay positive, trust God don't limit what u think God can do. but its getting so hard. i'm just beginning to feel so tired and worn out. listen to a sermon one day and the pastor said sometimes u have to fall on your face and cry out to God. well hear i am God I'm falling on my face crying out to you!!!! i need you, i need u to strengthen me, i need hope, i need a miracle!!!

sometimes i just wish i didnt want it so bad. but i do i can't get over it i want me and nick to be parents. i wanna be someone's mommie i want nick to be a dad. just seems like what i want doesn't matter.

please Lord i ask you right now in the name of Jesus bless my husband and i with a child, Lord bless my womb, my ovaries, my tubes, my eggs, my lining heal me lord from the inside bless this barren body of mine. Lord please bless my body to welcome new life, bless my heart, my spirit, my mind. please Lord! i ask you this on this night on june 29th at 1:10am. please Lord bless us with a child i believe it to be true, i believe u can do it. i believe you hear me when i cry thank lord in advance amen.

lost my sample

so my blood test i took thursday suddenly dissappeared. doc said either the lab can't find it or they never picked it up from the office. how the hell could that happen i'm so upset. and to top it off no one called to tell me this i had to call the office like 3x then finally page the doc himself. they were just gonna have me wait for days with no answer and that makes me upset the most. i need to be updated when it comes to important things not left out the circle until they figure out what to do doc says i should know by tomorrow but i'm not holding my breath!!! ok feel better letting it out hopefully all this waiting leads to me being pregnant that would be just the miracle i need right now!!!

what a day

man, what a day i had. woke u for work this morning everything was fine. left a little later than i wanted but i was cool cause i'm a speeder. so i get in the car and start it up except it won't start damn i left my lights on and now my battery was dead. easy to fix right? wrong i couldn't find the jumper cables damn again. so i can't call off work anytime soon i have 10 points and we get 12 until u're canned. so i had to drive my hubby's car easy enough right? wrong we haven't renewed his plates because we can't pass the emissions test even though we've taken it to the shop like 3x the engine light still keeps coming back on. so now i have to dodge the police to work. but that's not it i noticed one of his tires is almost flat damn again so now i gotta drive 2mph to the duke of oil to get the tires filled with air. damn i'm gonna be late and lose my job and the only reason i'm working there is b/c i like the insurance and it does pay kinda well but it still sucks lol so anyway after all that i get to work and because of this clomid i get on my table and sweat is falling from my face like its a rain cloud over my head. i was so damn hot, damn again after that everything went back to my normal boring days until i got off work and had to hide from the police to get home. well its over now time for a new start whew!!!

the waiting game-venting

cd 27 and i'm still waiting i have my doc appt on thursday. jumped the gun and tested yesterday got a BFN, i was so mad even though i knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work this cycle, seeing that all my mature eggs were on the blocked tube side.

my hubby just left yesterday for training then afganistan i feel so alone right now. we froze his sperm so i could try 1 more month and if it doesn't happen i'll just have to wait till next year when he gets back home. i miss him so much already.

i'm on this progesterone i'm so tired of this shit leaking everywhere yuck i just wanna be pregnant is that too much to ask? been trying for over a year and a half i'm just getting so tired of going through all the motions.

God help me cause i'm losing my mind

back post june 22, 2008

cd 23 spotting this morning when i woke up also felt sick at work woohoo this could be the cycle

back post june 16, 2008

ok so i took that hcg shot cd 14 and since then its about cd18 i'm so very sore around my ovaries my back hurts and it feels like i'm getting uti i hate those so i've been drinking lots of water. nick made a nick name for our 4 mature eggs. he calls them our "lil cuatros" he's so funnny he makes everything so much better. hopefully it worked this cycle i hope so just thought i'd jot down my symptoms. feeling hopeful its in God's hands!!!

back post june 13,2008

just started my first round of fertility treatments. i did clomid for 5-9 days starting on cd-5. i had an u/s on cd 12 follicle gowth but they weren't big enough(june 10) next unltrasound was on cd 14(june 12) had four mature follicles woohoo but opps their on the side with the blocked tube booo. so i take my hcg trigger shot anyway at 2pm been having lights cramps on right side. hopefully my eggs will sweep to the other side please God i hope so!!! now i'm waiting to o please God let it happen this cycle please!!!