sober thoughts make me drink

wow i havent been on here in months actually i really haven't had anything to blog about until now. just when i thought i was becoming ok with not ttc til june 09 my emotions go wacky on me. that being said it could have something to do with me always drinking, when i drink im fine there is no talk or thought of babies or my husband being gone, im in my own lil lala land and it feels great it supress' my feelings and at the time thats what i need.
now speaking soberly i am so depressed i have just opened by email and im flooded with baby coupons and emails saying saying what to expect in your 30th week of pregnancy. oh why didnt i cancel that when i found out i wasnt pregnant now im sitting here crying my eyes out.
then i got 2 emails from both my friends pictures of their baby showers i look so miserable i thought i was putting on a good front but i can just see the sorrow in my face. then they're sending me pictures of clothes they've started to buy arrrrgggg. just reminds me of a dream i once had of being a mommy.
oh i just wish these 6 months would fly by and hubby would be home and we could start trying again. yesterday i was at my friends house and his lil nephew was there he's 14 months and the cutest baby. he was so active and smiling at me i let him play with my straw from my mcdonalds and he when i took it away he started to cry and i just picked him up and he stopped i swear i wanted to cry. what if i never get a chance to do that with my on child will the day ever come?
im sitting here and all at once im remembering how badly i want a baby and there's nothing i can do about it, its driving me insane, its drivin me to drink!!!
why didnt it work when we had the chance? who says it will work when hubby gets home? how long will we wait? so many questions and not enough answers so that being said salud im having a drink