Rough Day

oh boy today was rough for me. i just felt really depressed. me and hubby aren't talking and its over something so stupid. i wanted to drive the other day and he said no so i got upset we barely said 2 words since yesterday. then every time i ask him to invite his mom over its always maybe or I'll ask and she never comes and that's REALLY starting to irritate the hell out of me!!! I'm to the point where if she cant come to where we live I'm not going to her house anymore not like I'm invited anyway he always goes and never ask me if i want to go. I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
went to the gym to get ready for my Miami trip and to try and clear my head and still ended up crying in the car on the way home.
just feels like i give so much of myself to people and i don't get any support in return. everyone runs to me for answers to there problems who the hell can i run to???i guess this blog maybe ill read it and help myself for a change.
hubby's just really annoying me right now show me something, if you see I'm upset give me a fucking hug damn is that too much to ask. we've known each other for 8 years he knows when something is bothering me. if I'm looking sad or not talking kiss me, hug me, something try to make it better. its easy to leave me alone and hope i get over it why not try and help me work through it show me some love.
I'm just so tired of the cold shoulder wheres that care a husband should show towards his wife. i don't think he's touched me in 2 days ok so he thinks I'm mad so we're just gonna act like strangers the whole day then sleep in the same bed and still have no contact that's ridiculous!!!
oh pray for me i hope tomorrow brings a better happier Tina Marie
just needed to get all that off my chest i guess now i can sleep.

My Re Appt.

so i had my first re appt. with our new doctor. i must say i love them!!! they were so hopeful and positive. they did alot of stuff that my first re didnt do. got a medical history on us both, blood pressure test for both, blood test for me and ultrasound to confirm pco and fibroid. i was all scheduled for my hsg(i know not fun, but whatever it takes) then i get a call telling me that tricare requires a referral so i had to make an appt with my pcm and they couldnt get me in until sept. 10 disappointed at the moment but just a little road block on the way to parenthood.

on another sad yet hopeful note. last month i began feeling early signs of pregnancy about 2 weeks before af was supposed to start i began cramping also nausea, tiredness and frequent trips to the bathroom. i wait, and wait. one day late i take a htp BFN im so confused next day still no af i go to planned parenthood for a blood test but when i got there they told me i needed an appt. so instead i take a urine test. faint positive are the results i got. i saw the line however faint it was it was def. there. so nurse tells me to schedule a blood test with my obgyn. feeling great and hopeful then 2 days after i start bleeding and a day after that af was full force. confused as of what may have happened called a nurse hotline and she told me it may have been a chemical pregnancy. i was sad then i thought i actually got pregnant on my own no drugs or anything just the old fashioned way just sad that it didnt end with us having a baby but our time will come soon enough. and although it made me sad it give me hope just knowing i can actually get pregnant!!!

im excited about starting treatment again now its the waiting game sept 10 lets go im ready to be a mommie!!!

gyno update

well i had my annual pap today she did all the usually stuff but she also asked why i didnt have kids n i wanted to cry then i wanted to lie n say i just dont want any she asked in such a weird voice like uve been married 4 years and no babies?!?!?!?! so i gave her the spew about the infertility. and she acually put me on metamfin(spelling?) she said it helps with women with pco so she said i can take that till nick gets home then she'll start us on clomid again she said youre gonna have a baby n i wanted to hug her n make her the godmother lol so im gonna start it end of the week n hope for the best when nick gets home im keeping my fingers crossed and praying real hard!!!! ill keep ya posted

GUESS WHOSE BACK!!!

hey ya its me n im back. boy has a lot been going on these past few months to start off with while hubby was deployed i found about so crazy stuff so we've been seperated this whole time. today we finally forgave one another its over and in the past and we are moving foward with our lives its a good feeling actually to have everything worked out. so he comes home early june which officially marks the start of ttc again!!!after all was said n done he said i wanna have a baby with you this is gonna happen!!! and i actually believe him.
so i found a new gyno i wasnt happy with my old one and i also found a new re. im starting the process as far as annual pap on tuesday april 28th then off to get all my work up done day 3 test etc. i'll prolly need another hsg im not happy about that but im willing to do anything. if my tube is still closed im gonna have them open it i wud rather work with both tubes working not just 1. im excitied i responded well to clomid 50 last year had atleast 3 mature eggs on each ovary so i know it can happen again i only tried clomid for 2 months cause nick was getting deployed im excited not to have a time limit not tht i want to try forever but now with him being home for good we can really focus on making this dream come true!!! ok ladies im so glad to be back ive waited so long for this ill keep u posted about apt on tuesday!!!

im offically crazy!!!

ok so i figure i can now declare myself insane!!! you know how you want something so bad you actually trick yourself into thinking its possible? thats what ive just done, past few days ive been feeling so weird. ive had constant butterfly feeling in my stomach and ive just been all outta wack. so im asking around at work, "has anyone every had butterflies in their stomach constantly?" one girl says, "yeah when she was pregnant" now i know there is no way possible for that to be true in case but i found myself wondering wow could that mean im pregnant hahahaha hilarious i know and i didnt stop there my friend was saying when she was pregnant she could feel an extra heartbeat in her neck and of course my crazy ass tried to see if i could feel one hahahaha hilarious i know but here's the kicker hubby has been gone since august i know ive been faithful and ive had af every month since he's been gone theres no way im 3 months along and didnt notice that so here's my explanation its an immaculate conception im laughing so hard just writing this but it seriouslt entered my mind. i told hubby and of course he said i was crazy and i know im not but it was weird how i actually could even think immaculate conception for real!!! cant wait til hubby gets home then at least my craziness will be justified hahaha

dreams

i love when i dream!!! last night i had the best dream, i was pregnant i didnt need any meds it just happened. in the dream its a very short pregnancy then skips to birth and im in the hospital asking for drugs and they never come i remember pushing and the baby coming out then it skips to me being at home with my beautiful baby girl. oh i swear her features i could see so clearly it was so real and she was my gorgeous angel!!! she never cried just smiled and wanted to be held by her mommie oh that dream felt so real i hated to wake up i just wanted to dream that dream forever!!! now if only that could happen in reality!!! i hope i remember how she looked i want to see if she'll look like that when she's born b/c i know its gonna happen just a question of when. funny thing is she had a name and i was saying it but when i woke up i forgot it and in real life i have no idea what i would name a girl hahaha thank God for dreams little medicines for life's pains!!!

sober thoughts make me drink

wow i havent been on here in months actually i really haven't had anything to blog about until now. just when i thought i was becoming ok with not ttc til june 09 my emotions go wacky on me. that being said it could have something to do with me always drinking, when i drink im fine there is no talk or thought of babies or my husband being gone, im in my own lil lala land and it feels great it supress' my feelings and at the time thats what i need.
now speaking soberly i am so depressed i have just opened by email and im flooded with baby coupons and emails saying saying what to expect in your 30th week of pregnancy. oh why didnt i cancel that when i found out i wasnt pregnant now im sitting here crying my eyes out.
then i got 2 emails from both my friends pictures of their baby showers i look so miserable i thought i was putting on a good front but i can just see the sorrow in my face. then they're sending me pictures of clothes they've started to buy arrrrgggg. just reminds me of a dream i once had of being a mommy.
oh i just wish these 6 months would fly by and hubby would be home and we could start trying again. yesterday i was at my friends house and his lil nephew was there he's 14 months and the cutest baby. he was so active and smiling at me i let him play with my straw from my mcdonalds and he when i took it away he started to cry and i just picked him up and he stopped i swear i wanted to cry. what if i never get a chance to do that with my on child will the day ever come?
im sitting here and all at once im remembering how badly i want a baby and there's nothing i can do about it, its driving me insane, its drivin me to drink!!!
why didnt it work when we had the chance? who says it will work when hubby gets home? how long will we wait? so many questions and not enough answers so that being said salud im having a drink