im offically crazy!!!

ok so i figure i can now declare myself insane!!! you know how you want something so bad you actually trick yourself into thinking its possible? thats what ive just done, past few days ive been feeling so weird. ive had constant butterfly feeling in my stomach and ive just been all outta wack. so im asking around at work, "has anyone every had butterflies in their stomach constantly?" one girl says, "yeah when she was pregnant" now i know there is no way possible for that to be true in case but i found myself wondering wow could that mean im pregnant hahahaha hilarious i know and i didnt stop there my friend was saying when she was pregnant she could feel an extra heartbeat in her neck and of course my crazy ass tried to see if i could feel one hahahaha hilarious i know but here's the kicker hubby has been gone since august i know ive been faithful and ive had af every month since he's been gone theres no way im 3 months along and didnt notice that so here's my explanation its an immaculate conception im laughing so hard just writing this but it seriouslt entered my mind. i told hubby and of course he said i was crazy and i know im not but it was weird how i actually could even think immaculate conception for real!!! cant wait til hubby gets home then at least my craziness will be justified hahaha

dreams

i love when i dream!!! last night i had the best dream, i was pregnant i didnt need any meds it just happened. in the dream its a very short pregnancy then skips to birth and im in the hospital asking for drugs and they never come i remember pushing and the baby coming out then it skips to me being at home with my beautiful baby girl. oh i swear her features i could see so clearly it was so real and she was my gorgeous angel!!! she never cried just smiled and wanted to be held by her mommie oh that dream felt so real i hated to wake up i just wanted to dream that dream forever!!! now if only that could happen in reality!!! i hope i remember how she looked i want to see if she'll look like that when she's born b/c i know its gonna happen just a question of when. funny thing is she had a name and i was saying it but when i woke up i forgot it and in real life i have no idea what i would name a girl hahaha thank God for dreams little medicines for life's pains!!!

sober thoughts make me drink

wow i havent been on here in months actually i really haven't had anything to blog about until now. just when i thought i was becoming ok with not ttc til june 09 my emotions go wacky on me. that being said it could have something to do with me always drinking, when i drink im fine there is no talk or thought of babies or my husband being gone, im in my own lil lala land and it feels great it supress' my feelings and at the time thats what i need.
now speaking soberly i am so depressed i have just opened by email and im flooded with baby coupons and emails saying saying what to expect in your 30th week of pregnancy. oh why didnt i cancel that when i found out i wasnt pregnant now im sitting here crying my eyes out.
then i got 2 emails from both my friends pictures of their baby showers i look so miserable i thought i was putting on a good front but i can just see the sorrow in my face. then they're sending me pictures of clothes they've started to buy arrrrgggg. just reminds me of a dream i once had of being a mommy.
oh i just wish these 6 months would fly by and hubby would be home and we could start trying again. yesterday i was at my friends house and his lil nephew was there he's 14 months and the cutest baby. he was so active and smiling at me i let him play with my straw from my mcdonalds and he when i took it away he started to cry and i just picked him up and he stopped i swear i wanted to cry. what if i never get a chance to do that with my on child will the day ever come?
im sitting here and all at once im remembering how badly i want a baby and there's nothing i can do about it, its driving me insane, its drivin me to drink!!!
why didnt it work when we had the chance? who says it will work when hubby gets home? how long will we wait? so many questions and not enough answers so that being said salud im having a drink

Congrats to my cuz

ok my jealously has surpassed enough to be overjoyed that my cousin had a healthy baby girl Ta'Lanne Williams. she is the cutest and fastest baby i've ever seen. i'm truly happy for her!!! miracles do happen i'm just waiting on mine!!!
it was amazing i heard she was pregnant and jealousy filled me. i know thats sad but it did. but as i looked at her new baby's pictures i felt nothing but love and happiness i guess babies will do that to you. and i know and believe one day it will be me posting pictures everywhere i can of my little special miracle. i've got to believe that its gonna happen for me. i've got to believe i'll be a mommie its just gotta happen i can't even imagine it not happening that's just to depressing of a thought!!!

me so lonely

damn this deployment sucks!!! i just keep thinking what the hell am i gonna do for 9 months but go crazy!!! i'm so lonely and i know he feels the same way. he called me yesterday from there and i just couldn't believe he was that far away from me. i just want my hubby home safe!!! arrrrgggggggggggg has 9 months passed already?

psychics??????????????

i know that you're not suppossed believe in them and that they are against God. but Lately i've been wondering if i called a psychic would they tell me when i would have a baby? i know this sound extrememly crazy but sometimes my mind just wanders in crazy directions. i know this is probably stress and a bit of depression talking. just needed to get it outta my mind and written down somewhere. i'll be fighting with myself to try and not to go see one. anyone feel free to slap some sense into me!!! or just pray for me and my sanity!!!

its been a while but i'm back

hi ladies oh do i miss blogging I've got some catching up to do. things have been so crazy i am now just getting life back on schedule. lets see updates on me hubby came home on Aug. 12 for 3 days and we had a blast!!! we tried to everything we could in 3 days but we ended up spending most of the time in bed lol. he left back to N.C. that Friday the 15Th. well the following Tuesday i ended up driving 15 hrs to N.C. to see him b4 he flew off to afganny. once again most of our time was spent in the hotel room lol!!! I'm hoping somehow a miracle happens and i get pregnant naturally (there were no drugs this cycle) this is my last shot til June 09. but we had fun and I'm gonna miss my baby like crazy. yesterday he flew out to afganny he said it would take about 3 days including some stops in Kansas and Ireland. please pray for his safe return!!!

then at work my schedule changed i now work 7pm-5am I'm still not used to working that late and all i do is sleep and get ready for work. so hopefully I'll get used to it soon because i miss writing. i think that's why I've been so bitchy lately on top of hubby leaving i can't express my feelings. this writing is really therapeutic!!! well that's the update on me now on the catching up on all of u guys news