crying my heart out!!!

so i poas today and got a BPN!!! ARRRGGGG!!! and soon after af came down. its still spotting but its def. af!!! i think i'm just gonna cancel beta it really makes no sense to go in and get another BFN don't think i could handle that right now!!! i'm so upset and sad. i cried all day then called hubby and told him the news. it just hurts so bad i tried so hard to be positive and it got me no where!!! now we have to wait a whole year ok technically its only 10 months but still a long time!!! i can't imagine waiting that long!!! it feels like its gonna be forever!!!

i just can't believe it was negative!!! i really thought i was pregnant, i'm just so tired now. i feel so drained and all hope is gone. i'm gonna have to do some serious praying i really need strength i feel so weak. pray for me ya'll!!!

so i guess i'll start trying to lose the 50lbs i wanna lose. i'll just focus on that and hopefully hubby will be home in no time and come home to a much healthier wife!!!

also i think i may go on bc to help with the cysts i have on my ovaries. other than that i'm tab for a year.

and to make it worse i gotta worry about hubby being in afganny!!! he leaves n. carolina at the end of august to go there. he's been to iraq before so hopefully afganny won't be as bad!!! i miss him so much!!!

maybe its better we wait til he gets home anyway. that way he can make those midnight trips for icecream lol

i know this blog is all over the place but my mind is going in a million different directions!!!